Tuna Tower Hotels

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  • Late Check Out and Never Check Out

    Late Check Out and Never Check Out

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around bellhops who only carry what falls over.

    Experts agree that a view of the bird feeder from every room is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    Our standard approach involves a view of the bird feeder from every room, followed by a lobby fountain that is actually a water bowl, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Our Spa Is a Warm Radiator

    Our Spa Is a Warm Radiator

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    Our standard approach involves a view of the bird feeder from every room, followed by bellhops who only carry what falls over, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Reviews: Would Stay Again If Left Alone

    Reviews: Would Stay Again If Left Alone

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around a front desk occupied by a very large loaf.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a view of the bird feeder from every room is not a bug. It is the product.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.

  • Suite Rates Depend on Sunbeam Availability

    Suite Rates Depend on Sunbeam Availability

    We have been doing this for what feels like nine lives, and we are still not sure who is in charge.

    Experts agree that a front desk occupied by a very large loaf is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a view of the bird feeder from every room is not a bug. It is the product.

    Our standard approach involves a front desk occupied by a very large loaf, followed by a lobby fountain that is actually a water bowl, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.

  • Concierge Tips: Where to Find the Best Box

    Concierge Tips: Where to Find the Best Box

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.

  • Housekeeping Left a Hairball on the Duvet

    Housekeeping Left a Hairball on the Duvet

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a view of the bird feeder from every room is not a bug. It is the product.

    Our standard approach involves a front desk occupied by a very large loaf, followed by a lobby fountain that is actually a water bowl, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.

  • The Minibar Is Entirely Fish

    The Minibar Is Entirely Fish

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Our standard approach involves a front desk occupied by a very large loaf, followed by bellhops who only carry what falls over, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a lobby fountain that is actually a water bowl is not a bug. It is the product.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    Thank you for reading, and please do not leave anything on the edge of a surface. You know why.

  • Room Service Delivered at Three AM

    Room Service Delivered at Three AM

    At Tuna Tower Hotels, we try to keep things simple, which means we complicate them and then take a nap.

    The old guard prefers a front desk occupied by a very large loaf. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    Experts agree that a lobby fountain that is actually a water bowl is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.

  • Our Pillow Menu Includes Your Pillow

    Our Pillow Menu Includes Your Pillow

    We have been doing this for what feels like nine lives, and we are still not sure who is in charge.

    Our standard approach involves a lobby fountain that is actually a water bowl, followed by a front desk occupied by a very large loaf, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Experts agree that a lobby fountain that is actually a water bowl is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.

  • Check In Time Is Whenever We Allow It

    Check In Time Is Whenever We Allow It

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around bellhops who only carry what falls over.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our standard approach involves a lobby fountain that is actually a water bowl, followed by a view of the bird feeder from every room, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The old guard prefers bellhops who only carry what falls over. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.